Fight Right: A leader’s playbook for healthy conflict

By Stephen Blandino

When you’re navigating conflict, it’s difficult to accurately read what the parties in the conflict think, want or expect.

Furthermore, all kinds of variables are at play in conflict resolution. Many good-hearted pastors have crashed because they didn’t know how to resolve conflict. Many executives with bold visions and audacious plans have been crushed when resistance stopped them dead in their tracks. If you can’t navigate conflict, you won’t be a successful leader. That sounds blunt—perhaps even unreasonable—but it’s true.

Conflict is inevitable in leadership, and your ability to steer through it will determine how far you go. Here’s another sobering truth: how you deal with conflict reveals the level of your maturity.

Let that sink in. The way in which you handle conflict provides an unfiltered picture of your spiritual, emotional and relational maturity.

So, where do you begin? How do you successfully lead through conflict with so many changing dynamics and unpredictable challenges? Effective conflict resolution requires six ingredients—with the core characteristic being your ability to cultivate trust.

CULTIVATE TRUST

Trust doesn’t just play a role in conflict resolution; it plays the central role. The most difficult conflicts to traverse are the ones where trust has been broken. Thus, trust is the starting place and the driving force behind effective conflict resolution. Cultivating trust doesn’t happen by accident. It requires a well-designed P.L.A.N.:

Posture. Trust begins when we approach people and conflict with the right posture. Some leaders take the posture of a pretender. They pretend the conflict doesn’t exist, turning a blind eye to what’s really happening. Others take the posture of a historian. This person keeps a record of wrongs so they can remind the other person of all their mistakes. Then, there’s the judge. This posture turns conflict into a court date so you can find the person guilty.

None of these postures—the pretender, historian or judge—will resolve conflict. Instead, Jesus calls us to assume the posture of a restorer. He said:

This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then, and only then, come back and work things out with God (Matthew 5:23-24, MSG).

Jesus doesn’t permit us to stew with anger or blast people on social media. Instead, He tells us to address conflict quickly (“leave immediately”), privately (“go to this friend”), and restoratively (“make things right”). The restorer resolves conflict by approaching it with a spirit of immediacy, kindness and grace.

Listen. Every conflict has two sides to the story, and our job is to listen to both sides to foster greater understanding. As Stephen Covey writes in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Too often, we take a different approach: we seek to make a point so then they’ll understand. But that’s an unwise and unfruitful strategy to build trust. Your posture opens the door to trust, but listening gives you a seat at the table of resolution.

Admit. Years ago, a conflict came to my attention between two people—I’ll call them Brandy and Janet. I met with them together and quickly discovered that Brandy had done something hurtful to Janet. After a lengthy conversation, Brandy finally offered an apology: “I’m sorry if you felt that way.”

Immediately I saw the problem in the apology, so I said, “Brandy, that’s not really an apology.” She said, “What do you mean?” I said, “You’re apologizing for Janet’s feelings instead of your actions.” She looked perplexed, so I continued. “How Janet feels is not the problem. What you did is the problem. You need to apologize for what you did, not how Janet feels.”

She got what I was saying and then offered the best apology she could muster. The meeting ended well, and both ladies hugged one another. But to my surprise, a couple of days later, Brandy called me and apologized for how she had handled the situation. She not only recognized that her response lacked humility and sincerity, but she did the most important thing you can do in any conflict: she owned it.

You can’t fix what you won’t own. King David said, “But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done” (Psalm 38:18, NLT). There’s no dodging or denial in that confession, and that’s the approach we must take to bring about resolution and healing. Your ability to admit and own what you’ve done wrong is a non-negotiable step to reestablish trust and restore the relationship.

Nurture. The old saying is true, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” You can’t just say that you care—people must feel that you care. This nurturing mindset places a genuine value on people. It puts the value of the relationship ahead of the need to be right.

These trust-building practices—Posture, Listen, Admit, Nurture—are the PLAN to cultivate trust so conflicts can be resolved. In addition, these practices are the PLAN to take with you into the remaining conflict-resolution strategies.

CHOOSE TIMING

Researcher Joseph Grenny and his colleagues at VitalSmarts discovered:

95 percent of a company’s workforce struggles to confront their colleagues and managers about their concerns and frustrations. As a result, they engage in resource-sapping avoidance tactics, including ruminating excessively about crucial issues, complaining to others, getting angry, doing extra or unnecessary work, and avoiding the other person altogether.

Grenny goes on to note that “employees waste an average of $1,500 and an 8-hour workday for every accountability conversation they avoid,” and that eight percent of employees cost their organizations a whopping $10,000 or more because of their inability to deal with conflict.¹

It’s in your best interest—and the interest of the organization—to resolve conflict. Unfortunately, most people only address conflict in two scenarios: when it’s easy to resolve or too big to ignore. When conflict resides somewhere in the middle—when it’s not easy to resolve, but it hasn’t turned into a full-blown crisis—we ignore the conflict or delay our response to it. But good leaders know that ignoring conflict only makes it bigger, uglier, crazier and more expensive.

In general, the time to deal with conflict is when you can do so quickly and calmly. First, if possible, address the conflict quickly. The apostle Paul said, “And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NLT). The word foothold means “location.” Paul warns us not to let the devil use unresolved anger to acquire square footage in our soul or a guest room in our heart.

Second, deal with conflict when you can do so calmly. If you’re raging mad, take a few minutes—or a few days—to cool down before you tackle the conflict. Proverbs 14:29 says, “Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity” (MSG). Here are some simple questions to ask when you’re determining the right time to deal with a conflict:

Is my current emotional state under control?

Have I carefully considered the part I played in causing the conflict?

Have I taken time to process how I’ll address the conflict in a healthy way?

Have I prayed through the issue at hand and for the people involved?

When you can answer “Yes” to these questions, the timing is right to address the conflict and keep it from becoming an all-out crisis.

CLARIFY TENSION

You can’t resolve tension unless you fully understand what’s causing it. That’s why I try to live by a simple rule of relationships: ask questions before jumping to conclusions. You’ll never gain understanding with answers. You only gain understanding by asking questions, and then pausing to listen intently.

Proverbs 18:2 provides some potent wisdom: “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions” (NLT). Don’t take the posture of a fool. Reserve your own opinions and take time to listen, so you can clarify the tension. Here are some helpful approaches to clarify the tension:

“I could be wrong, but I feel like there’s some underlying tension in our relationship. I wanted to take a few minutes to hear what might be bothering you.”

“I feel like I may have done something to offend you, so I wanted to see if you would help me understand what I’ve done and how you’re feeling.”

“Recently I said something (or did something) that wasn’t right. I want to own it and apologize to you for what I’ve done.”

“Can you help me understand what’s frustrating you?”

“Can you tell me more?”

“What would you like to see happen in this situation?”

“What would be a good first step from here that we could both agree on?”

Once the discussion gets going and their frustrations become clear, state back what you’re hearing them say to ensure you’re both on the same page. Again, your goal is to create understanding. Make observations, not accusations. “He said this” and “She said that” will only create an endless cycle of frustration and miscommunication. You may not agree with everything they say, but before you respond, ensure there’s clarity about the tension.

COMMUNICATE TRUTH

Greg was a friend and a genuinely fun person. He had a big smile, a contagious laugh and a positive attitude, and he never met a stranger. He was full of energy, incredibly social and gifted in multiple ways. Greg only had one big problem: he was a habitual liar. If his lips were moving, his lies were brewing.

On one occasion, my brother Chris told me about an interaction he and another friend had with Greg. When the conversation concluded and Greg headed out the door, Chris turned to his friend and said, “Everything Greg just said was a lie.”

His friend looked at him, befuddled by the comment. “Really?” he asked.

“Oh, yeah, every bit of it,” Chris said.

Greg was a convincing, chronic liar, and the only people who could see through his lies were those who knew him best—or those who had been burned by his conniving false promises and blatant fabrications.

We may not tell brazen lies in conflict resolution, but we can certainly dodge the truth. Why? Because we hate conflict and will look for the quickest way out from under its unnerving cloud. Unfortunately, the quickest way out is to downplay the conflict, make promises you can’t keep or exaggerate the position that will help you the most.

But there’s a better path forward: pursue the truth in a trust-filled manner.

Simply put, don’t talk around the issue; speak directly to it. This is difficult, but half-truths and outright lies will only damage trust and prolong the conflict. When you’re communicating the truth, keep in mind the ABCs:

Articulate the facts. Focus on the facts without getting sidetracked by the “-tions”: assumptions, emotions or accusations.

Balance candor and care. Be candid about the truth while delivering it with care, dignity and respect. As researcher Joseph Grenny observed, “The lag time for change is the same as the lag time for candor.” If you want things to change, it starts with the truth.²

Cultivate dialogue. Communicating truth isn’t a one-way speech but a two-way dialogue with the opportunity for both parties to speak and respond.

The goal of communicating truth is to bring about healing. Therefore, don’t use truth as a weapon to prove a point, get your way or crush the other person. In addition, avoid exaggerations, the blame game and indicting words like “always” and “never.”

CONTROL TONE 

While tone is specifically mentioned in the fourth-highest response (see graphic to the left), it’s implied in all the responses. Not wanting to offend others, sounding too formal or casual and conveying the message in the right way are all impacted by the tone we use.

For a powerful example of tone, look at the life of Jesus. Two remarkable attributes of Jesus are grace and truth. That perfect blend is found in the gospel of John when Jesus saved a woman from her accusers after she was caught in the act of adultery. Jesus asked the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” (John 8:10, NLT). The answer was clearly no. Then He said to her, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more” (John 8:11, NLT).

When Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you,” He extended grace. When He said, “Go and sin no more,” He pointed her toward truth. Simply put, Jesus spoke truth in the tone of grace. We need both to resolve conflict and build thriving relationships.

Tone is established early in the conversation. If your tone is one of correction, you’ll put others down. But if your tone is one of connection, you’ll lift others up. Which leader do you respect the most? The one who corrects you downward or coaches you upward? The answer is obvious. The tone of connection will always outpace the tone of correction. Connection alleviates conflict while correction amplifies it.

Proverbs 15:4 shares the sound of the tone of connection: “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (NLT). Gentleness deflects anger and produces life. That’s the connecting power of controlling your tone.

COLLABORATE TOGETHER

Just because you experience conflict with somebody doesn’t mean they’re your enemy. It usually means there’s a misunderstanding or a misguided assumption that requires an honest conversation. If you’ll have an honest conversation, collaboration toward a better and brighter future becomes possible.

Business author Alden Mills notes, “By collaborating, you are acknowledging that you need others’ help, that you know they’re better at something than you are, and that their ideas matter and provide value to the team.”³

The solution to a conflict is never one-sided. It requires both parties to come together and come to an agreement. To successfully collaborate, keep three word pictures in mind:

The bridge: focus on what unites us. It’s easier to focus more on the conflict and less on the resolution. Rather than allowing your differences to consume you, concentrate on the bridge that unites both of you. Clearly state your common ground so that each of you recognizes your shared desire for the same outcome.

The scoreboard: make room for both parties to win. In sports, a “shutout” happens when one team puts points on the board while the other team fails to score. That’s the goal in sports, but it doesn’t work in conflict resolution. Rather than focusing on a shutout, collaborate to create win-win outcomes. Work hard to ensure there’s a “W” (for “Win”) on both sides of the scoreboard.

The footpath: identify your next steps. Meaningful collaboration doesn’t just talk about a conflict; it leads to clear and specific next steps. This happens when you ask, “Who will do what by when?” Said another way, “What will we do differently from this point forward?” A clear footpath helps you take steps toward a healthy outcome and a fruitful future.

These three word pictures—the bridge, the scoreboard and the footpath—provide a framework for successful collaboration.

Again, this is crucial to moving forward. If you don’t collaborate, you run the risk of discussing the conflict without fully resolving it.

The six ingredients to conflict resolution—cultivate trust, choose timing, clarify tension, communicate truth, control tone and collaborate together—are the keys to navigating the unpredictable conflicts you’ll encounter in leadership.


Stephen Blandino is the lead pastor of 7 City Church, a leadership coach, blogger and the host of the Leader Fluent Podcast. He resides in the Fort Worth, Texas, area with his wife, Karen. They have one daughter and son-in-law, Ashley and Dylan, and two grandsons, Elijah and Wyatt. Stephen is the author of several books, including Stop Chasing Easy and Do Good Works. His new book is Insanely Practical Leadership: 12 No-Nonsense Keys to Master the Art of Leading Yourself and Others, from which this article is adapted.